omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize