i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Randomize
