I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
