Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Randomize