All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Randomize
