thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
