the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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