just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
