it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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