Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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