New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize