I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Randomize
