I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
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