At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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