whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
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