my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
