The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
