I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
