he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
