you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
