i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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