i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
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