dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
even my farts smell like vagina
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
