Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
