i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
