i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
i would one night stand the shit outta him
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
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