My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
