He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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