You don't have asthma, your pregnant
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
it's like iHOP with fire
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
