Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize