i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
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