she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize