oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
