dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize