i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize