He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
