Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
