she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Randomize
