Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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