The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
