my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Randomize
