Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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