DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
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