I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Randomize
