i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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