my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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