Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Randomize
