im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
