It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
