Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
