Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
