barbara walters just said penis...
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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