the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
I faked an abortion last night.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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