On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Randomize
