WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I have demons in me.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Randomize
